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April 5 @ 6:30 pm$10
COVID HHH – Trash
RUN LIV – 197 Crane Cres, NERANG 05 April 21
About an hour before the 6.30pm kick-off, the hare received a phone call from CumSmoke: “Hey mate, I really enjoyed my bush walk to the piss stop last week so I’ve decided to ease my way back into this running caper… So could you set a little 2 km loop for me…..the flatter the better mate…Cheers.”
The rain was still bucketing down when Y2Ky Jelly rallied the hardy bunch of 12 before the start; “It’s wet and it’s slippery which is how we luv bush, but it’s also likely to be dangerous so let’s stick tight…and bang away together…”
The in-trail was up a steep fire track which immediately put paid to an early casualty: “Fuck this for a joke” said the heavily puffing CumSmoke, “pre-season training at the Tiges was easier than this gig, I’ll see you all back at the eski fellas.” GoodHead, a returnee visitor from the Champagne Hash took pity on ole Smokey and decided to hold his hand back down the slippery slope.
First check was easily negotiated with another Champers hasher returnee Safe Sex finding the ‘on’ and calling the pack behind her behind. Although the trail was now flatter, it was also a lot more narrow and any slip up would mean curtains down the black abyss below. Bograt found the next ‘on’ and the next 2 kms was lovely bush running on what seemed, at times, to be a swamp. It was about then that the ever-thoughtful Brownie Boxxx turned back to look for the left-behind BallBag. Check 3 was a four -way go and Pepe Le Spew dared to head down the steep embankment hitting pay dirt. “On On” he called before immediately landing on his arse and sliding down the treacherous, muddy slope. He would use his arse as a slide a coupla more times before reaching the bottom of the valley where a raging torrent awaited. “Ferk” he said, “I can’t ferkin’ swim that good…” The torrent needed to be crossed numerous times before the trail finally snaked out of the valley. Designed as a lollipop, the run’s out-trail was a replica of its in-trail and the pack finally emerged out of the sodden darkness in 1.39mins, having completed 6.85kms.
Having towelled down, the exhausted hashers then headed to COVID HHH headquarters i.e. the Tom Rose Park lean-to for the Circle and general Hash shenanigans. Sex with a rubber ‘on’ was over-the -moon happy: “Finally, I’ve found a real Hash she said with a glint in her eye, this is like being back home at Songkhlah Hash on the Thai / Malaysian border…..” Pepe Le Spew was less forgiving: “What the ferk are you trying to do BallPoint, ferkin’ kill us?”
GM-for-the-last-time (thank fuck!) BallBag called for order and welcomed guests GoodHead Job and Safe Sex is best with a Frenchie, with a down-down and a song. Hare BallPoint was next called in and Bograt reported: “I’m a cow-cockie’s son from out West, where a drop of rain is treasured like nothing else. I probably luv rain more than I luv beer so I hope it never fucking stop raining. To run around the bush in driving rain is manna from heaven, so I’m very grateful to the hare for laying this trail for us. It was well marked, checks were good, plenty of shiggy and we had the bonus pleasure of seeing Pepe on his arse for part of the way. Great run…. a well-deserved 9.2.”
Sergeant-for-the-last-time (thank fuck!) Y2Ky Jelly called for charges and they came thick and fast including Brownie Boxxx for being a piker and turning back to “look for BallBag” when the rain got too heavy. CumSmoke was charged (Baaah Sinister) for being a softcock and GoodHead was charged for appeasing him. BallPoint was charged (Brownie) for being pedantic about the spelling of his hash handle i.e BallPoint with a capital B & P but misspelling his i.e brownie boxxx without capitals. BallPoint and Jelly were charged (CumSmoke) for being arrogant BMW drivers whilst Pepe Le Spew was charged (Bograt) for shortcutting on his arse and being unwilling to use his legs. Baaah Sinister was charged for losing his way when laying a charge and Safe ‘not without the banana burka’ Sex was charged for being ungrateful and complaining that her COVID gift i.e her new favourite sex toy, lacked a coupla big balls hangin’ off it; “for I’m a ballsy kinda girl don’t yuh know…” she said seriously.
GM BallBag finally brought the Circle shenanigans to an end: “Today is indeed an important fucking occasion for the COVID Hash in that a new mismanagement takes over from the 3 clowns who done it last year. I’ve had a bloody good time as the COVID’s inaugural GM but time has cum to pass the baton on to someone who I consider will diligently uphold COVID virtues and Hash traditions…. So, without further ado, I’m handing over to BallPoint.
A visibly moved and surprised BallPoint accepted the baton…and a down-down to kick things off.
GM BallPoint paid tribute to BallBag calling him the greatest GM in COVID history and then proceeded to appoint his Mismanagement team for the cummin’ year: “Thank you BallBag for looking after the COVID Hash in your unassuming, effective manner. You’re an absolute inspiration to us young blokes…. I and this Mismanagement will endeavour to build on the strong foundation you laid over the past year… The COVID Hash has already built a reputation for great bush hashing and no-holds barred Circle shenanigans. This is why I’m delighted to announce the very experienced Brownie Boxxx as the next Sergeant. Y2Ky Jelly is the new Religious Adviser (RA) and Bograt is the Hash Monk. CumSmoke will be our new On-Sec as well as being the new Hare Raiser. ArseNic is the COVID bean counter i.e HashCash as well as our Con Ductor and Derrolicked MyBalls retains his favourite gig, Web Wanker. Design guru extraordinaire, Baaaah Sinister, takes over as our new HaberDasher. In closing, I strongly believe that with this team of abject reprobates the COVID Hash’s ill repute is in very good hands. On, On you bastards…..”
Newly crowned Sergeant then charged GM BallPoint for being too fat and not fitting in his hand-me-down GM jacket.
GM BallPoint closed the Circle: “Congratulations to the Mismanagement, thank ewes all for cummin’, and now ewes can all fuck off. On, On!”
Heavy drinking ensued.
“hash FREE & live”