COVID HHH

SICKIE DAY 2021 NERANG FOREST

After weeks of torrential rains, the Hash gods had a sudden change of heart and delivered a cracking Autumn night for the COVID HHH’s inaugural Sickie Day celebration. A magnificent full moon hovered just above the forest canopy creating the perfect hash setting…… perfect? Not if you happened to be Spoof or Miscarriage or David or Reece who were all caught out by Qld Premier Palace Chook’s insatiable penchant for lockdowns, bans and curfews… An inconsolable Miscarriage called: “I wanna cum mate, but I couldn’t live with meself if I COVID-killed some poor old bastard….” He said holding back tears. To which I replied: “There’s no old bastards on the COVID Carriage so get your arse over here….” but his mind was already made up.

To the ripping rifts of Guns & Roses ‘Welcome to the Jungle’, the pack gathered around GM BallBag who welcomed everyone and in particular those from surrounding Gold Coast kennels. Hares BallPoint & Bograt finalised their run briefing thus: “We’ve laid a shitload of trail so there’s no fucking way you can get lost in there. In any case, Boggy will be sweeping so you’ll all get Home safely…ON, ON!” The eager pack quickly dissolved into Nerang’s most notorious forest.

Verbal Diarrhea, Good Head, Exelpet and Brownie Boxxx were first to emerge out of the darkness to the piss stop where diplomat Botcho and BallPoint handed out cold beers whilst CumSmoke busied hisself pouring bubbles. GM BallBag, FullerShit, Hitchhiker & Aussie soon followed and things really started to banter up…. The walkers were on their 3rd drink when the charging cavalry finally erupted out of the shadows. A battered Brewtus looked worse for wear: “I haven’t fucking hashed properly for about 6 months and it shows…. I’m fucking rooted …. Where’s that fucking beer?” New boot Chugga echoed the sentiments: “I’m gunna be sore for a week BallPoint, that was bloody murder….?” Pepe Le Spew was beside hisself: “I ferkin’ found every ferkin’ on-back… If that’s 5kms then I ferkin’ did at least 8.5kms…….” A most cool, relaxed-looking Safe Sex was more flattering in her comments: “I thought it was a wonderful run, just like those I grew up with in the jungles of Thailand and Malaysia…. I’m old fashion, so bush will always my preference”. CumSmoke mentioned in passing that the COVID HHH is exclusively a bush running Hash which adheres to the mantra that ‘too much bush is barely enough’. “In that case I’d luv to cum again” cooed Condom Sex.

The lively hash camaraderie was suddenly shattered when GoodHead received the phone call; “It’s my friend Call Girl, she’s lost in the bush BallPoint” handing over the phone. A mighty pissed-off Pisto was overheard saying: “We’re fuckin’ lost BallPoint…. LegsAkimbo, Call Girl and me ‘ave been going round and round for hours and we can’t find the ‘on’ trail.

Get your arse here and get us out….. like fuckin’ yesterday!

Pepe Le Spew & Brownie Boxxx joined sweep Bograt in the rescue mission whilst the runners headed off to complete another 2.5 kms; the rest, including Brewtus and ArseNic, walked ‘home’. It would be another 45 mins before all hashers were back under the Tom Rose Park shed.

GM BallBag called the rabble to order and invited visiting GMs / proxies for a down including Verbal Diarrhea (Thirsty Thursday H3), HitchHiker (Mixed Hash) and Brewtus (GH3). Sergeant Y2Ky Jelly called out the hares to widespread booh hissing and calls of “ice the bastards”. Brewtus was asked to report on the run: “It was a fucking great run, fantastic site, well marked trail, challenging checks, plenty of on-backs to keep FRBs like Le Spew under control and the pack together. I don’t get how them other 3 got lost…. Big thumbs up from me and a score of 8.7. Colonel Klink, aka Brownie Boxxx (incl’ Nazi salute), commented on the walk, describing it as “the biggest pile of shyte imaginable… it started well enough but that fucking check where them runners went one way and walkers went the other was fucking bollocks. The ‘W’ for walkers was far too small for anyone to see as was the ‘R’ on that stump behind the big fucking tree. How anyone managed to find trail is a bloody miracle…. 5 is the best I could give this crap!

COVID HHH being a men-only Hash, all female participants were then called in to the Circle for a special presentation of strap-ons “to look more like us”. Except for Call Girl, who preferred wearing hers side saddle, the dangling appendages looked as ‘pumped’ as the women fiddling with them.

Brewtus, Marathon Man and Miscarriage (absent, see above) were called in the Circle and given their official COVID HHH number. Whilst on their knees to receive the official beer blessing, LegsAkimbo attempted to stuff her phallus down Marathon’s throat: “now you know what it feels like….not much fun is it?” she said to great cheers from her companions.

Sergeant Jelly called for charges from the run and they came thick and fast; hares BallPoint and Bograt were hammered for 1. getting people lost, 2. crap sweeping, 3. too much / not enough trail flour, 4. too many on-backs, 5. too much shiggy 6. moon being too full etc, etc. Dozens of charges followed, too many to record, including CumSmoke, Baaaaah Sinister and Dragon BallsUp on the Skol-o-rama for pillowing the previous week and staying home due to monsoonal rains.

Circle shenanigans were briefly interrupted whilst dinner (a delightful chicken Korma) was served…

On resuming, all official COVID HHH hashers including BallBag, BallPoint, Y2Ky Jelly, Spoof (absent), Derro Licked MyBalls, ArseNic, Bograt, Pepe Le Spew, CumSmoke, Dr Oxycodone (absent), Dragon BallsUp, Baaaah Sinister, Botcho, Bent Banana (absent), Exelpet, Brownie Boxxx, Brewtus, Miscarriage (absent) and Marathon Man were honoured with a COVID  Certificate and a medal. On reaching 50 runs, Y2Ky Jelly and BallPoint were further recognised with a COVID ‘L’ patch.

And so, we cum to the night’s awards, where excellence in COVID hashing was officially recognised. Y2Ky Jelly presented the ‘Karen Pini’ Bushiest (Best) ROTY (run of the year): “There were many worthy recipients” he lied “including Run LI, Baaah Sinister’s effort in the Nerang forest, Run XXXVIII (hare BallPoint) in the pissing rain and Run XXVI, Botcho’s Molendinar tunnel run……but the winner of the inaugural ‘Karen Pini’ was Run XX at Bonogin, where bush bashing was the order of the night, tough virgin bush…Plenty of claret was spilled en route with hashers negotiating barbed wire and spikes. The police turned up during the Circle as well as the fire brigade with a big hose to extinguish our fire. But that wasn’t the end of it…blokes woke up the next day feeling crook with bush ticks sucking at their flesh; some even needed medical attention to have the little bastards surgically removed. It was a great run…the Hare was……….. ArseNic”.

GM BallBag presented the coveted COVIDIOT of the Year award; “this bloke was Hare to 31 out of 53 runs, most of which were fuck-ups (getting people lost, runs too fucking dangerous or long etc), he often burnt the snags on the barbie and his organisational skills are a joke. He was the biggest Hash dud in the last year……BallPoint is the COVIDIOT of the Year”. GM BallBag closed the Circle: “Thank youse all for cummin’, I hope youse enjoyed it, and now youse can all fuck off. On, On!”

During the heavy drinking session that ensued, Safe Sex, yes please, but whack a franger on it first was overheard saying: ”Now that I’ve got one of these between my legs, can I cum more often?” To which co-founder Jelly replied: ”Take it from me Sexy, the COVID HHH would luv to see you cum anytime … strap-on or no strap-on.”

OnOn,

COVID correspondent